When President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran broke Islamic Republic precedent and wrote a letter directly to President George Bush of the United States, the public was told that the letter was ignored and no response would likely be forthcoming. This reporter has learned through leaks out of Hollywood, of all places, that, like the story of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the report was not true. Actually, the President has already responded secretly in his own inimitable way. Here is a copy of that letter, which one of our relatives, who is an aspiring actress, was able to obtain:
Dear President Ahmadinejad,
I am in receipt of your letter of May 9. I want to tell you that if you thought you would impress me with all that theology stuff, you’ve got another think coming. You remind me of that 15-year-old girl down in Alabama, invoking the name of Jesus so much. What do either of you know about Jesus of Nazareth? She’s just a child, and you’re a bearded Muslim extremist and the leader of a country of fanatics who call our wonderful democracy “The Great Satan.”
I know lots of preachers, and I often go to them for advice. They have assured me that as long as they’re just wars, I can start as many of them as I want.
See, two can play that theology game. I’m sure you don’t like to hear it, but there’s no way that a war against an “axis of evil” country like yours wouldn’t be a just one. Afghanistan wasn’t even on the axis list, but my preacher friends gave me the go-ahead. What did you expect me to do? That stupid Mullah Omar kept insisting that I come up with some concrete evidence that Osama bin Laden was behind 9/11 before he would turn him over to us. How ridiculous! We had to attack and put an end to that.
Saddam Hussein was a torturer and a killer who even gassed his own people. You agree that it’s a good thing that he’s no longer in power, but I’d expect a little more gratitude from you toward the person who took him out.
And another thing, I really don’t like your attitude toward America’s great friend and ally in the Middle East, Israel. I’d be careful what I say about them if I were you. You know what it says in the Bible, “He that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.” When the Israelites took back their land from the Canaanites, God approved, didn’t he? So why wouldn’t He approve now that they’re taking back lost land once again, this time from the Arabs? Sounds to me like you people are just sore losers. Why don’t you just give up and let the Israelites finish the job?
I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but one of our White House correspondents, Bill Koenig, has set me straight on the kinds of things that can happen to you when you cross God’s chosen people. This is from an advertisement for his book, Eye to Eye, Facing the Consequences of Dividing Israel:
What do these major record-setting events have in common?
Nine of the ten costliest insurance events in U.S. history
Six of the seven costliest hurricanes in U.S. history
Three of the four largest tornado outbreaks in U.S. history
Nine of the top ten natural disasters in U.S. history ranked by FEMA relief costs
The two largest terrorism events in U.S. history
All of these major catastrophes transpired on the very same day or within 24-hours of U.S. presidents Bush, Clinton and Bush applying pressure on Israel to trade her land for promises of “peace and security,” sponsoring major “land for peace” meetings, making major public statements pertaining to Israel’s covenant land and/or calling for a Palestinian state.
Are each one of these major record-setting events just a coincidence or awe-inspiring signs that God is actively involved in the affairs of Israel?
In this book, Bill Koenig provides undeniable facts and conclusive evidence showing that indeed the leaders of the United States and the world are on a collision course with God over Israel’s covenant land.
“And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.” -Zechariah 12:9
Compared to those of us American presidents, your offenses are pretty much off the chart. You’ve probably already become way too identified with opposition to Israel for your own good, but I’m going to give you one last chance. This letter has been taken to a Kabbalah practitioner, and a Pulsa diNura ceremony has been performed over it (I’m pretty sure it will work even though the American actress/singer Madonna was the only professed Kabbalah person we could find.). If you keep your tongue and your pen in check in the future, and you send this letter to ten other world leaders within 24 hours, you can continue to live in peace. If you do not, don’t blame me for what happens to you or your country. I can’t say exactly what those consequences might be, but here’s a list of people who I am told failed to follow the instructions on similar letters: Foreign Minister Anna Lindh of Sweden, rising politician Juergen Moellemann of Germany, Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel, Former Prime Minister Rafiq Hariri of Lebanon, and our country’s former Secretary of Defense James Forrestal. Prime Minister Tony Blair of the United Kingdom, on the other hand, always sends these letters along religiously. You may draw your own conclusions.
George W. Bush, President of the United States and Leader of the Free World
May 15, 2006
For more investigative reporting, see “Bin Laden’s Home Video: The Missing Portion.”